Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
