If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
