glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
