After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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