Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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