and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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