1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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