I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
