6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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