dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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