Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
