Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
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