You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
