I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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