It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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