that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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