Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
