Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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