I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
