One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
