The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
