So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
