Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
