hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
