I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
