And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
