he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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