dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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