and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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