i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
