Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
