Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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