You made me cry and you don't even care
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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