I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
