Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize
