I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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