I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
