either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
