Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
