guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
