The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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