you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My pussy is not your playground.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
