6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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