I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
