You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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