If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
