just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
