I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just google imaged poop.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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