he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
