Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
