i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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